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12/12/09 7pm

Well, today I'm having some emotional struggles up and downs.� I've had moments that my heart jumps and think on how prior to exactly 7 days ago he used to always ask me if I still love him (constantly) and that If I was his, and I'd ask him if he's mine and that if he has eyes for me only or if he's always faithful to me while he's at work, he'd always answer yes and I'd always answer yes too.....� today, we don't care to ask that to each other any more.�

I found out he has been making "social" phone calls to different community hotlines for a while now..... when I first discovered it over 4 months ago he swore up and down that it was a co-worker who he was lending his phone to, yeah right!� I confronted him about a recent activity which happened to be on a day that I was visiting my mom who was sick over at a hospital which was over 1 1/2 hr drive.� When I discovered this he said it was not him, that the phone is acting up, he also did it during a day that we spent at DMV to inspect his vehicle to get it back on the road again.� WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? gosh, it hurts soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He finally admitted it, looked at my crying and swore that nothing bad ever happened, that he never spent a penny on it., and that he won't do it again because he loves me, I believe him.�

I won't lye, I've been checking the phone records, no sign of daring calls like that, but then I wonder if he's using his business phone to do those calls, or maybe even meet someone physically or be with someone physically while he's at work, I worry so much, it's not even funny.� It's very very very hard to trust him again.

Can someone outthere gimme please some encouraging words.� I'm hurting so much, I love this man soooooo much!

As the seconds pass by,
We look back over the years
Of what our lives have held with love.
As the minutes passes forward,
We see what fell through the cracks as we grow.
Parts of our lives we withheld for fear it may hurt someone else.
As the hours pass marches onward,
We think of what we learned as we grew older.
What we have taught. our children ,
What we have forgot. that has bad moments.
As the days pass we are reminded of the joy they have gave to us.
We wish a lot could be returned. so they would always be there with us.
You hope they forget-me not,but you have to let them go.
As years pass the memories lasts.
You stand alone and know that you have done a good job.
They have all grown up and are ready to do for thier own.
Married and gone to live a life with the one they love,
Or on their own.
As your life passes onward
You stand proud cause you di so good with them.
Looking how well they raise their own children now.
You did well in teaching them right things in life.
Live on forever my angels and know I love you.

���������������������� Wrote By :Hilda(satinlady)

My girls are very bright and smart,

They all have� warm and caring hearts.

They� have� learn and they have grow with each� day,

In.� thier own beautiful� way.

All of my girls are filled with� love in their hearts.

I love them all very much.

When I having a bad day� or sad ,

My girls knows how to brighten my day.

I love them all more than I can imagine� or say.

Every day brings something new,

After all� I love them with all of my heart.

I� am thankful that God gave me four beautiful

angels.

Wow, it has been a loooong time since I wrote. I have just been too busy to get on the computer, much less come on here. A lot has happened since the day I got my nose pierced. I broke my ankle 2 weeks ago, but it's almost better now thank goodness. And I also lost my friends. I guess it's just teenage drama but I'll let you know what happened anyway simply for the fact that I need to vent and I can't trust anyone else. I know you won't tell. lol So anyways, my friends have helped me with my stuff the past 2 weeks. Ya know getting around school and everything since I was on crutches and whatnot. So one of my best friends got a new phone. The next day it fell out of her pocket book and broke while she was helping me. Now, apparently, it's my fault. She has practically the whole school hating me and every one is calling me a b**** and saying I'm rude and blah blah blah. I have never gotten so many hate texts in my life! Well, I had an emotional meltdown at school today and I did the unthinkable-I cried. In front of everyone. And not once, but twice. I hate crying in front of people; it makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. Well, now I'm friendless and every one hates me. I didn't even do anything! I mean, I know people who are guilty always say that but I am honestly telling the truth! I. did. nothing. wrong. But, of course everyone blames me, the crippled. I always get blamed for everything! So, like, literally the whole school hates me. Every time I hobble by they whisper about me like I can't even hear them. But oh well. This too shall pass, and karma's a beast. They will soon regret ever giving me up. And if they don't then I didn't really need them to begin with. Right? I don't need them and their drama and their talking about people. I may be a "b****" but at least I'm a nice one. And I really do believe that I'm a good friend. Others might not think that but who cares? I'll eventually find some one who is a true friend; some one who is worth my time and my tears. I regret crying, I really do. I think they were tears of anger. I think I know why the loners at school are...well...loners. It is probably best to be a loner. At least you don't have to put up with anyone's bullcrap. But I am a Libra, a social butterfly. I just have to socialize or I will go insane! I just don't know what to do. I guess I will try to be a loner since no one wants to talk to me. Since I have become a leper. *sigh* Why do things have to crash and burn right when life is starting to get good? But maybe life wasn't getting good then, maybe it's getting good now. Maybe I was supposed to break my ankle so that I would open my eyes and realize (I rhymed heehee) that my "friends" were wearing a big fat mask the whole time. True, it does hurt. A whole year of friendship went right down the toilet, but maybe it's for the best. Like a quote by Publilious Syrus, "A friendship that can end never really began." Maybe our friendship never even began. So, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm gonna just go to school and hold my head held high and act like being hated don't bother me. Now that that little rant is over with I am gonna go read some before bed. Wish me luck and merry Christmas everyone!

Hey journal, My attitude is so bad of course I have cronic enxiety which is not good. But I should not let my enxiety controle my or my image. People out there if you have a problem with attitude or fitts or some kind of problem cool it down by takina walk or eating or even taking a couple of deep breathes. �

Hey my friends are Shilpa Ryan Briana Danyell Abby Mariasha Michele and Tameka. I love them so much as if they were my family. We are having this party in homeroom and I invited Shilpa My top #1 best friend. And my Other best friend Tameka invited my sister which I am so happy about.

Es ist Advent, die Zeit des Wartens.

Warten ist mir verhasst. Ich kann es nicht und ich will es auch nicht. Und doch ist mein Leben davon bestimmt.

Ich warte nachts auf erholsamen Schlaf und angnehme Tr�ume. Ich warte morgens auf die Maschine, die erst aufheizen muss, bevor ich meinen Kaffee bekomme. Ich warte bis das Bad frei wird. Ich warte auf meinen Sohn, der nur noch mal eben den Augenblick genie�t. Ich warte, dass endlich Ruhe einkehrt im Haus. Ich warte, dass alle nach Hause kommen, w�hrend das Essen im Topf wartet, endlich verspeist zu werden. Ich warte auf die Internetseite, die sich gerade wieder einmal extrem langsam aufbaut. Ich warte auf den versprochenen Anruf eines Freundes. Ich warte darauf, dass mein Sohn einschl�ft. Ich warte auf meinen Mann. Ich warte auf den Schlaf, der nicht kommen will; mein Geist h�lt fest am hier und jetzt. Ich warte...

Vergeudete Zeit, verhasste Gef�hle, verschwendete Energie. Wieso tue ich mir das an? Ich beneide die Hirten auf dem Felde, denen der Engel pl�tzlich erschien. Ich beneide die Freundin um die SMS: "Ich bin gerade scharf auf dich...". Auch ich h�tte alles stehen und liegen lassen, kein Weg w�re mir zu weit gewesen, um dieses Jetzt zu genie�en. Ich freue mich, wenn es am Fenster klopft und mich ein unerewarteter Besucher von meinen Routinen abbringt Ich freue mich an einem sch�nen Tag, diesen zu planen und zu erwarten ist Qual.

Da halte ich es mit Gitte Henning: "Ich will alles und zwar sofort." Mein Horoskop, das mir ein Bekannter zum Geburtstag schenkte, erwischte mich diesbez�glich eiskalt: "Man wird nie erfahren welches Potential in Ihnen steckt, da sie nie lange genug an einem Ort verweilen." Was tun?, sprach Zeus, sprech ich und wei� doch schon die Antwort.

Lebe den Augenblick, sei ein Kind. Und denke an die sch�nen Momente, die unverhofft dein Leben bereichert haben. Es funktioniert nicht. Ich will nicht noch mal zwanzig sein, denn all die Pr�fungen und Proben, die ich bestehen musste, will ich nicht wiederholen. So gerne ich aber in jenem Moment lebte, so ungern w�rde ich tauschen mit dem Kind, das all seine Lebenserfahrung noch sammeln muss. Was bleibt?

Werde wie ein Kind, so hat es Jesus einmal formuliert. Das hei�t, ich darf meine Erfahrung behalten und muss nur meine Hemmungen und �u�eren Zw�nge �ber Bord werfen, dann kann ich hier und jetzt das Leben sp�ren mit allem, was es ausmacht. Das hei�t aber auch Entt�uschungen und Freuden vergessen; mir selbst genug sein; andere um Hilfe bitten, wenn ich nicht weiter komme. Und es hei�t wohl auch nervig sein, denn wenn man selbst zum Mittelpunkt wird, dann k�nnen sich andere schon mal in ihrer Freiheit bescchr�nkt f�hlen. Doch das darf ich dann ja kindlich naiv abgeben; schlie�lich sind es die anderen, die einem Kind die Grenzen aufzeigen. Und es hei�t auch, ein echtes Leben zu f�hren, ohne Sarkasmus und Ironie, denn die sind Kindern fremd.

Wie das sein kann? Ich wei� es nicht. Ob es je sein wird? Ich wei� es nicht. Aber ADVENT - er, sie, es kommt an. Vielleicht hilft dieser Blickwinkel. Es ist wohl weniger die Zeit des Wartens, sondern die Zeit der Erf�llung und des Erf�lltwerdens. Wenn ich nun warte auf die Erf�llung, ist das wohl wieder falsch. Doch ich kann und will jetzt und sofort im Augenblick die Erf�llung entdecken und ersp�ren. Vielleicht klappt's und ich sp�re ADVENT!!!

�okay i got to go ttyl